How to tell if your Captain is a Redneck

Mike Sivier

Subject: Your Starship Captain Might Be...

YOUR STARSHIP CAPTAIN JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob
He refers to Klingons as "Critters"
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminium foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "Open hailing frequencies"
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says "Yee-ha!" instead of "Engage"
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
His moonshine is stronger the Romulan Ale
He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
His idea of dress uniform is *clean* bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the bridge
His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of and weenies
He sets phasers to "Cajun"

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